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Scotty's page of the mysterious

From beyond the depths of time, man (and woman) has stood together saying "Well Gordon Bennett would you have a butchers at that, that's one of them phenomenon that is". Which should tell you what kind of idiot there is around.

But I am now here to explain to you the inner meaning of some of the more bizarre and fascinating facts that haunt us every day. Like why do fish swim and mammals walk, except dolphins? And why do periods stop, but commas imply continuation, and not the other way around? And if Smarties (tm) have the answer, why aren't they ruling the bloody world?

These mysteries, once kept as the sacred and misguided trust of a bunch of people with nothing better to do than wander round wearing silly green robes and hats with sparkly bits on, will soon be revealed if you read on...

Yes, that's right, read on, and you may (1) find the answers hidden within this document!

Now then, you may have seen some of those so-called 'tables' within other people's so-called 'web-pages'. Well, I saw one of those recently and decided to blatantly steal the idea in a shameless and disreputable manner. I then populated it with some popular myths, phenomenon, mysteries, cheese omelettes, large fish, turnip shaped in amusing ways and people. The next step was to watch as it grew into a vast database containing the sum of all human (and extraterrestrial) knowledge which could be queried using SQL, yes you heard, SQL! It would then serve as a repository for people to find the answers to their every need in life, from large fish to phenomenon to cheese omelettes and beyond! This facility is now (2) available here.

A table:

Name: Description: Favourite thing:
Scotty (Insert own description. Nothing I could think of works.) Being silly.
Tent Warrior Prostitute. Married to Tiamat the dragon,
currently residing in Hell.
Making improper advances.
Kairn Tall, dark and sweet. Hang on, that's a glass of cola... Juggling turnip quiche.
Dangly Large troll/orc Splitting elves.

I really wanted some nice pictures of skulls on my page to give it a kind of Neo-goth-punk-anarchist feel, when I suddenly remembered that Chumbawumba were a bunch of arses with as much talent as those people who used to go on TV and make yo-yo's 'walk the dog' or 'loop the loop'. God they were sad. So here is My version of a skull:







Yeah, as you can see there are no ears, really scary. Imagine if that jumped out at you!
In case you can't see it, don't worry you aren't blind, it is in fact an invisible skull. Boo! Ha ha, had you going!

Things you should hate (and an excuse for another table):

Bands with over active egos. People who think they are intelligent but are in fact stupider than pig swill on a hot day which has been stirred with a large stirring rod made from aluminium.
Sport hilights. I can understand repeating a TV show, but why repeat a sports match? Countries who pronounce aluminium (alu-min-e-um) incorrectly, so it looks like aluminum (a-lume-in-um). This is wrong. Desist or you will be shot.
Saying stupid things. Censorship (Ooo, a bit serious there.)
McDonalds. No reason given. People who insist on telling you that All Saints are attractive, instead of admitting they are dog rough.
Life. The fact that so many good people have to die so young.

Words Americans have just gotten wrong:

Pants Jelly Chips
Hood Aluminium Freedom
Armor Humor Sense of humour

The list goes on.

Things that are good:

Music Films Fun stuff
Really large wads of cash in your pocket Boxer shorts Real meat burgers
Sex in a really romantic setting Sex in any setting Sex

Culture/Media events worth being entertained by: (I'm going to use a bullet list here, watch out people!)

The End

Congratulations!

You have now completed your course on mysteries, phenomenons and other strange stuff. If you can now decipher the strange meanings of the universe, then good for you! Phone me quickly and tell me what numbers will win next weeks lottery! Alternatively, if you would like to talk to/flame/propose to/invite out/slag off me then you can e-mail me at:

davethom@lucent.co.uk

Have fun!




(1) Spiritual enlightenment is possible by reading this document. Actual test trials have failed to prove this, however we have not yet given up hope. An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters and all that.

(2) Alright, not quite yet. I haven't even gotten round to finishing the bit about the fish yet. But Soon!

Disclaimer:

a) No animals, insects or Cherokee Indians were harmed in the making of this production, or the production of this making.

b) Any references to anyone, anything, anybody, any nations, countries or constituents therof, or in fact quite literally any noun in this document, whether implied, inferred or stated, is not the opinion of myself, my ISP, my webpage host, or anyone I know, have met, will ever meet, or anything. Even if I used a trademarked name, I am not liable to be sued as all the names were used in a sartirical manner. And even then, it was just a made up name for this work of fiction. McDonalds in this context is in fact a large fish named Bob McDonalds, and has nothing to do with big golden gates or burgers. Or meat products in general. Bob is a vegetarian. I don't hate Americans as a nation, I was talking about my other fish Fred Americans, who is very bad at spelling. Oh yeah, any references that may or may not appear to reference something in real life, in fact doesn't. It was just a product of your imagination. If you want to complain about this page to someone, go to a bar and tell the barman about it over a large bottle of scotch. That should cheer you up a bit.

c) Any references to large bottles of scotch was also a product of your imagination. I did not at any point suggest you should drink the afore-(or not-afore)-mentioned bottle of scotch, instead you should simply hover above it. A height of 23 1/4 inches is recommended as a very relaxing height to hover. But remember, artificial hovering aids are dangerous and should be used. Only the power of your mind is necessary to perform this feat of aeronautic non-navigation.

d) I did mention somewhere up there that this was a work of fiction. This is true, even though the fact that it is fiction makes it false. Which came first, the article or the definition?